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gigabytexx 8th-Nov-2019 09:52 am (UTC)
I am having a somewhat awkward situation.

There was this guy whom I used to work with many years ago, he's an overall a shitty person but I know he worked hard. He tried to accommodate us, just that he really liked to make our blood boils lmao and I was childish back then, whenever he intentionally teasing me I got mad instantly. And my reaction made him annoy me even more (like he thinks it's funny)

One day he got stroke, he got paralyzed on his right body. Right now he can walk but his right arm is totally dead. At that time, me and couple other co-workers were trying hard to take over our small studio (we were running a drawing course, he's the boss and we were just tagging along like little ducklings behind him), making new course materials for the students etc. We also tried to raise money to afford the building monthly cost that is very big, all while 3 of us didn't get any payment (bec the boss was gone).

The first several months after he fell sick was horrible, his dad indirectly accused me of smuggling the studio money (heard this from other friend) and that I was 'sneaking out' to ask higher payment to the client. All those ugly things that was never thrown at me directly at my own face, but enough to make me swore to quit and wont ever see his face & his family ever again.

I promised myself that I dont wanna hate / be an enemy of him, because his life is now basically falling apart, he cant work anymore and that I should feel sorry for him. But I dont wanna be nice to him either, and so I chose to move on and dont want to have anything to do with him anymore.

The thing is...... I dont think he realized the situation. I often ignored his chats, sometimes I replied but not much. Few days ago he followed me in IG and I blocked him (I just not interested to have him stalking my photos and made useless comments, he OFTEN comments on people's posts with insensitive stuff like, "if you keep doing this then no guy will like you hehehe" AND HE DOESNT REALIZED IT'S ANNOYING) Some of my friends still endure it with the consideration that he's sick and his brain still not wired correctly... but I think he's actually pretty normal. His head is just like before he was sick. He's still the same annoying man but just his communication/wording sometimes a bit messed up due to the stroke. He often can listen quicker than responding.
Which is why I'm the meanest ones in the group to block him.

And just yesterday he texted my ex co-worker (the only one who is very nice to respond him) saying that I'm very cruel, that I ditched him because he's sick (as if I was nice to him when he's healthy? nahh). And now everybody thinks I'm an arrogant bitch who forget a friend when they're no longer benefited me :/

The one I'm concern the most if he's in deep depression and suicidal, I kinda have a feeling he might mention my name. I dont want to be cause of his death, because tbh my ex co-worker said that this guy often texted her how he wanted to die.
Actually when he first got sick years ago, since I took over his work I began to know he was cheating on us and took money more than what he said to us. I was furious because I trusted him. There was an intern at that time who already worked for 6 months with no pay (which I was just found out), I decided to take some of our non-existent budget for intern's salary, so this intern can stay with us longer bec he's a good guy & very helpful. Then this sick ex-boss asked me why I paid the intern (????duhh) and I was exploded to him like how could you tell someone to work 8 hours with no pay for 6 months!! eventho he was only an intern, you dont even teach him much about drawing and yet he wasted his time in here???

I didn't keep my calm and furiously texted him my anger, the next morning his dad called me saying the boss went into emergency last night because he was shocked reading my message. That was the most terrifying moment in my life, he could've died because of me. It's also one of the reason I'm avoiding him now, I'm afraid whenver I see/talk to him I will boil lol and say the things I shouldn't say.

I just want to cut ties with him lol But it seems like I'm too cruel??
Do I have to suck it up and be nice to him?
gathyou 8th-Nov-2019 10:39 am (UTC)
I think cutting ties would be best. You're just stuck in a toxic situation, with build-up anger against him, and no opportunity to move on since everyone keeps reminding you what happened. The emergency visit also show that it's a toxic situation for him as well. You both need to move on.
Tbh I'm afraid that it's going to be a long, painful process for you, since you're already accused of so many things related to the job place and your ex-boss health. I think you have to be prepared for many questions by people who know both of you regarding your decision (and whether you want to detail your reasons or not), maybe even some of them turning against you. I think you also have to be prepared in case your ex-boss himself asks for an explanation - you obviously can't send a message written in anger. Maybe you could already work on a draft to use if such a situation arise, something short, grounded in facts (as to why you cut ties and why this decision has nothing to do with this health), and ending with wishes of recovery/well-being?

Secondly, cut ties with the dad as well!!! He sounds like the most toxic in your comment, making fake accusations towards you, ruining your reputation behind your back, solely blaming you for an emergency visit (when other factors often play as well), etc. You don't need that negativity in your life.

Finally, I understand how you're feeling guilt that your messages probably weighted in his emergency visit, and fear that it could impact his depression. But you're not responsible for his depression. You're not responsible for how he will react to your interactions (or lack of). You can only try to do what's best for yourself, and limits negative impacts for him in the process. A message written in anger is never a good idea but we've all been there! and you have your fair share of issues to deal with. Good thing is you know why it wasn't a good idea and won't do it again.
I've been seriously depressed before and I had some really bad reactions to messages by friends during those times, but the messages were always a catalyst for an underlying issue that I felt, and that my friends were not responible for. And yes it was easy to blame them while it was happening, but focusing on why I reacted this way and which personal issues it touched upon (instead of why they sent those messages) is what helped in therapy.

Good luck <3
gigabytexx 8th-Nov-2019 02:54 pm (UTC)
My ex co-workers also said the same, if I'm no longer comfortable then blocking him is just fine. One of my friend was already sick of his insensitive messages (just now, he saw her latest photo and asked why she's getting 'chubby' 😅😅) and my other friend despite being super nice to him, is already at the point where she doesn't know what to say whenever he mentioned that he wants to die...... I gotta be honest I cant handle such conversation.

I really want to tell him everything that I dont like about him and things that were happened 7 years ago between me and his family, and tbh YES!!! his dad!! I feel like the main point that ruin everything also mainly because of his dad. I actually was already trying to forget the fact that he was lying etc, I tried to be understanding of his situation. I was ready to hang out with him again when he's already able to go out by himself, but when I found out his dad thought bad of me and eventually influenced him to think I tried to take advantage of his situation, it's just over. What's the point I stayed for 9 months trying to salvage the studio (another part is also bec we feel bad to leave him just like that) WITH NO PAY but his dad thought we stayed bec we had no place to go and that we're completely dependent on the boss. Wtf no, I could ditch everything and build a new life if I wanted to! We used to have a lot of workers but all of them left almost immediately but me + 2 workers + 1 intern stayed. There's also 1 IT guy who knew him barely a month had to help us raising money as well...... all because we cared. But none of that seem mattered and this IT guy gets the most shit after me & he was also accused of trying to take over our studio wtf. It's crazy when I think about how his dad's negativity can influence that much while the boss is vulnerable.

But then again....... all those left with things that have never been said. His dad wouldn't directly confront me, I too wouldn't bother to come and explain. I felt like everything was already broken. Unfortunately the boss didn't know anything about this :/ After all if he finally knows... whats the point? His character and mine dont match, he has this annoying attitude embedded in his DNA whether he's sick or healthy. It's just since he couldn't work and have to stay at home seeing his dad more often, he gets even more negative now. Too much bad influence which I can't do anything anyway.

The idea of writing a draft about it is genius, I've never thought about it. I doubt he will somewhat come to me through chats, I dont even know what kind of face I need to put up if one day I meet him face to face. But I will write it down this essay lol.

Apparently he blocked my IG back, for now I want to think he will finally move on from me and not trying to think he can be friends with me again. I sincerely hope for him to be better in mind, he's been doing social activities like visiting orphanage etc although I understand there are more burden he has in mind, but I really want him to be in a good state.

Ah I'm sorry you've been through this before :(((
Wow depression really sucks I hate how it changes a lot of things. I'm so glad you're in a good place now.

Thank you so much for responding and gave me things that I need!

Have a good day(s) ^_^
gathyou 8th-Nov-2019 03:15 pm (UTC)
Well it's a relief in a way that many people understand where you're coming from and why you're taking this decision. Go for it!!! Especially if he blocked you back on Instagram - it's a good moment to cut ties while he's not actively trying to keep up, and it might take a while before anything else come up.

This sound like such a shitty situation to be in. Glad you're already out of it, and I hope you can also move on mentally from this experience. Same for the people who worked at the studio with you/stayed during difficult times. I don't think I would have been able to stay so long without pay, it's really admirable!

Writing letters to people I had issues with had always been a way for me to process all the information available without getting lost in details or anger, and also a way to process my own feelings about it. I have a folder on my old computer filled with letter I never sent but that all made me feel better XD and the ones I do use to send a message help keep some distance, in my behaviour like with my words. It's also really soothing to know that if something bad happens, you're ready :)

Thanks :) I'm doing better now, therapy was clearly my best ally, but it took me so long to even accept that I needed therapy. I hope your ex-boss finds help, but again, you can't be expected to share this burden as an ex-coworker who was never close to him. You already did so much!
Have a good day too <3
daynr 8th-Nov-2019 07:29 pm (UTC)
I second all of this advice.

Sometimes there is no winning, and there is no getting to be heard and understood. It's better to just walk, and find a way to find your own peace.
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